Hello and welcome, Apprentice followers. I’m David Levin (standing in for Selena) and this is the final of The Apprentice: Series 4. Yes, it’s exciting; yes it’s tense; and yes it’s finally here. Four candidates remain. Three will be fired. One will be hired. Their fate rests on one final task. An aftershave task. The smell of victory is in the air. So is the pong of defeat. Drink it in, my friends; drink it in. Enough! Let the final commence...

9.00 – BBC voiceover man sounds a bit TOO excited. Someone should check he’s still got his pants on.

9.01 - It's a "pre-final treat" first for the four remaining candidates. It's dinner with Sir Alan! In a restaurant! Alex's shirt has a hint of salmon. Helene's face has a hint of salmon. Lee talks to Sir Alan about football. Claire talks to Sir Alan about marriage. Perhaps if he picks Claire as his apprentice she'll marry him too at no extra cost.

9.04 - Right, down to business. Frances calls the house and instructs the fab four to get dressed and hurry on down to some fancy building for their grand finale briefing with Britain's favourite muchkin tycoon asap.

9.06 - The final four stand before The Tiny One and his sidekicks Nick and Margaret. Sir Alan splits them into two teams - it's Claire and Lee VS Alex and Helene. They're joint team-leaders (i.e: all four of them are in charge). 

9.06 - "And here are some recognisable faces to help you with your task..." It's all (well... some of!) the rejects from this series, yay! The two pairs of finalists pick them one at a time for their teams. Jenny the bully is picked last. HAHAHAHAHA, loser.

9.07 - The task? To design a fragrance for "a modern man" (such as Sir Alan or his youthful aide Nick), including a product name, a smell, packaging and an advert, to be presented in front of a room of fragrance industry experts and Sir Alan himself. The experts will decide which pong would stand the best chance of making a stinking pile of cash in the real fragrance world. The losing pair will BOTH be fired, the winning pair will battle it out for Sir Alan's love and his six-figure salary.

9.08 - Helene tells Alex that if she could have chosen anyone to work with in the final it would have been him. She must be horny. Meanwhile, Lee and Claire both feel sick. Perhaps they overheard one of Alex's "charming" sales-pitches.

9.09 - They all arrive at a big fancy office in a strangely recognisable pointy building that will be the base for both teams to come up with their fragrances. Hold on a second, I DO know that pointy building... BREAKING NEWS - the pointy building is the MSN building! More on that later (or perhaps not).

9.10 - Brainstorm time. On Alex and Helene's team are Raef, Jenny and the one from Little Britain (Kevin). Lee and Helene's team features Simon, Jennifer and my hero (Michael).

9.11 - In the brainstorm, Lee decides that the man they are aiming their product at is "a guy that shaves his balls."

9.11 - Claire drags Michael to meet some "real men" for some "market research." She tells us that she reckons she's in the final cos Sir Alan thinks SHE's "got balls." What's with all the balls?!

9.12 - They're coming up with names for their perfumes. Helene suggests "Girth." Alex suggests "Arrogance." I can't believe my ears.

9.13 - Alex runs a few suggestions past Helene... "Trust?" "Connect?" "Other Rubbish Names?" Helene hates them all. Alex tells Kevin that he has no problem overpowering Helene if she refuses to agree with his rubbish names. Kevin agrees and tells Alex that "Just cos you're both team leaders or whatever, it doesn't mean you can't lead her like a leader or whatever, does it?"  

9.14 - Lee settles on the name "Roulette" for their man-spray. Smells risky. 

9.14 - Alex and Kevin arrive at the packaging factory. "I'm gutted I'm not in a position where I could be winning this myself," says Kevin, "Cos I've got the ability to do that." As he talks, I can only imagine him in tight shorts and a vest shouting about being the only gay in the village.

9.15 - Kevin asks the packaging experts helping his team if they can design a bottle that "feels something like a stress-ball." The expert calls him an idiot. They then proceed to develop a bottle that will cost "a lot". Sounds like a stupid plan.

9.16 - Helene's running late for her focus-group session. She's on the phone to Alex, panicking about being late and panicking about having no idea what their product is. Alex tells her not to panic. They hurriedly run through their contenders for names. They can't agree on one. They're both getting stressed. Jenny says Helene shouldn't get so stressed. But who cares what Jenny thinks, she got picked last! Hahahahaha. Sorry. Alex and Helene decide on the name "Dual." It was worth the wait.

9.18 - Lee tells Jennifer his idea for their advert. "The roulette wheel is spinning, yeah... there are lights everywhere yeah... a man and woman appear, yeah... and, erm, that's what I'm tawkin' about!"

9.18 - Despite his clear vision, Lee's getting nervous about the presentation, probably because he made a complete hash of his last one a couple of weeks ago. But he says if he nails it this time, he in with a real chance of becoming Sir Alan's apprentice. I, meanwhile, reckon there's more chance of that Umpa Lumpa cookie-addict from Big Brother getting the job.

9.19 - Sir Alan's aide Nick, whose input seems to have lessened over recent weeks (he probably got caught trying on Sir Alan's Amstrad lingerie) tells us that Helene was rubbish yesterday but Alex was quite good. Interesting, thanks Nick. Now Raef's saying something posh. I can't quite make out what it is, but I think it might have something to do with truffles or din-dins.

9.19 - I manage to decipher what Raef is saying - he's explaining that their man-pong is called Dual because it "conveys the duality of human beings... We all have a naughty inner-self that wants to come out at night, turning into a totally transformed creature." This makes me wonder. Do you think at night, Raef sheds his Prada suit, overcoat and well-shined brogues, swapping them for "clothes of a common-folk", such as a "t-shirt" or "jeans", and lets himself run free among Yates's wine-lodges and kebab shops, telling girls to get their boobs out and being sick in the back of taxis? I hope so. Anyway...  

9.20 - BREAKING NEWS! Helene is "really gonna go for it" in the pitch. Thanks Helene. More on that story later.

9.20 - Meanwhile Alex and co get to work on the scent itself, selecting several strange ingredients for their whiff. The perfume expert says that their idea reminds his nostrils of "a curry."

9.21 - Lee's team gets to work on their advert. It stars models and roulette-tables. Nothing says modern man quite like sex and gambling.

9.22 - Oozing all the sexual energy of a hairbrush, Lee urges his female actress to look at her male co-star like she “really wants to take him to the next level.” That's Lee-speak for "have sexual intercourse with him."

9.23 - Helene tells Alex that they're gonna have to "spend a lot of time together tomorrow." She must still be horny. Then they argue about what time they're gonna get up in the morning to start working on their pitch. Helene is wearing a salmon pink jumper to match her salmon shaped face. They're still arguing. There's tension here. These two seem more out for themselves while Lee and Claire are working in harmony, like Ebony and Ivory, or say Richard and Judy.

9.24 - Lee and Claire plan to dress their presentation with roulette wheels and giant dice. "It's really classy," says Simon. Such a surprise he got fired.

9.25 - Claire and Lee rehearse their pitch in front of their team. Lee is being rubbish, which worries him because it reminds him of all the other times he's been rubbish.

9.26 - Helene and Alex re-join their group after some "alone time" to smell their fragrance. "It smells like chocolate," says Jenny. "Yes, chocolate" says Kevin - adding a new dimension to the conversation.

9.27 - Lee is outside preparing his presentation. It’s still going rubbish. He sounds like an idiot. Hopefully he’s not an idiot. Hopefully the real thing will be amazing. Claire echoes this sentiment delicately by saying "Lee had better pull himself together otherwise I'm totally screwed!" Thanks Claire.

9.28 - Alex rehearses his presentation in front of his team. "It was the worst thing I've ever heard!" says Jenny. "I nearly fell asleep," says Kevin. "Hold me," says Helene (with her eyes)

9.30 - Here we go - time for the big presentations! Oh wow, there are people there from "the perfume business"! The man from Givenchy looks a bit too excited about being there. Maybe his office stinks.

9.31 - CLAIRE'S GONNA CRY!! (with all the pressure and excitement of being in the final) Damn it, she's held it in. Instead she looks like she's wetting herself. I'd settle for that instead.

9.31 - LEE'S GONNA CRY!! (with all the pressure and excitement of being in the final and because he's probably just realised that he's got about as much chance of winning this year's Apprentice as Kevin!) Damn it, he's held it in too. I want tears!

9.32 - Here comes Claire and Lee's presentation. Cue jugglers, house music and roulette tables!!

9.32 - Claire's kicks-off her bit of the presentation. As usual, it's good. Claire eats presentations for breakfast. Lee eats porridge.

9.32 - Here comes Lee! Will he hold it together? Hold on... he's actually holding it together! He's doing it! WHAT THE HECK - he's just got a laugh from the audience! Is this really Lee or have they opened him up and put the great Michael Sophocles inside him (standing on Kevin's shoulders) and sewed him back up again?!

9.32 - Time for their advert. Models, roulette tables, sex (almost). Nice. Claire's back. She's still good. Just more breakfast for Claire. And Lee keeps his cool all the way. They've got through their presentation. Time for questions from the experts...

9.33 - Expert - "Do women really want a man that smells like a gambler?" Claire - "Gamblers smell nice." Expert - "[Silence]"

9.34 - It's Alex and Helene's turn. Cue dancers and house music. How original!

9.35 - Alex starts the presentation. He's speaking very... very... slowly. It seems to be working though, perfume experts are nodding! (Yes, NODDING!) Here comes Helene... She's speaking quicker than Alex and with LOTS OF PASSION! Time for their ad... models, sex (almost) and a big bottle of Dual. Simple but effective. But what do the experts think?

9.37 - Expert (the man from Givenchy) - "I think your product is ace [cue applause]." The man from Givenchy says yes! Helene and Alex look very pleased with themselves. Expert 2 - "Your bottle would cost a lot to make though wouldn't it?" Alex - "Hmm yes, but isn't it great!" Expert 2 - "[Silence]." Sir Alan scowls his beardy scowl.

9.39 - The perfume experts seem divided. Some like "Roulette", others like "Dual." Meanwhile, Sir Alan bathes his aide Nick in lashings and lashings of both fragrances using an Amstrad memory-stick to scoop the smelly liquids onto his sidekick's neck.

9.39 - I realise that the last part of the previous entry was only a daydream. I must stop having such sick daydreams.

9.40 - BOARDROOM!!! In the air is the smell of victory and the scent of defeat. I am quite literally excited.

9.40 - They're in. And so are their stupid perfumes. Here we go!

9.41 - Lee and Claire's team first. Sir Alan asks their loser teammates how the pair faired as project managers. Michael - "They were both great", Simon - "Yes, they were great." Boring.

9.41 - Lee explains their product. Sir Alan questions the gambling connotations. Nick goes one step further - "Roulette equals gambling, gambling equals debt, debt equals misery." Aha, so THAT'S why Nick's been quieter in the last few episodes - he must have been embarrassed after blowing his six-figure salary in the bookies!

9.43 - Alex and Helene up next. What does Kevin think? "Alex was good but Helene was rubbish, Sir Alan" Helene - "Shut up, Kevin. Alex panics too much and can't even spell!" The divide isn't helping them. Sir Alan accuses Helene of copying her own perfume when they came up with the scent of "Dual". She sniffs at his suggestion. Sir Alan asks who came up with the idea of the expensive bottle that would cause their profits problems if their pong was real. Alex waffles for ages and goes red, inadvertently revealing to Sir Alan that it was in fact HIS stupid fault.

9.46 - Sir Alan tells the non-finalists to get out of the room! The boardroom is no place for them now.

9.46 - It's time for one team to get fired. Sir Alan tells Lee and Claire that the gambling theme was a bit dumb. But he tells Lee that his pitching has got "100% better!" -  quite a lot in mathematical terms - while Claire wasn't so impressive in his eyes this time.

9.47 - Sir Alan tells Alex and Helene that their bottle would cost too much, meaning that their product would struggle to make lots of money. But he says their presentation was "quite good." Decision time...

9.48 - "I have to look at who ticked the most business boxes here..." says Sir Alan. "Right, I'm gonna put you out of your misery... ALEX AND HELENE - YOU'RE FIRED!!"

9.49 - So we're down to Lee and Claire!!

9.50 - Cut to Alex in the cab. He's crying. No seriously, he's really crying.

9.50 - What's this sound coming out of my mouth? Oh yes, it's called laughter! Hahaha, bye Alex. I might have felt sorry for you if you hadn't been a manipulating, back-stabbing, Lucinda-bullying poser. Good luck back in the supermarket.

9.50 - Cut to Helene in her cab. She's moaning. No seriously, she's really moaning.

9.51 - Right, back to business! We're down to two. Sir Alan discusses them both with Nick and Margaret. Nick looks like he wants to bet on Claire, but no more gambling for him!

9.52 - Sir Alan calls Claire and Lee, and their team of rejects, back to the boardroom for the final boardroom-bashing of this series.

9.52 - Wisely, Sir Alan asks Michael what he thinks he should do. "Claire has been in the boardroom loads of times, Sir Alan, and she's shown lots of tenacity and strength." What do you think, Simon? "I can't choose between them, Sir Alan. I wouldn't want your job, sir!" (Liar!). How about you, Jennifer? "Lee is a gentleman, he opens doors for women." Thanks for your input rejects. Now get out of the boardroom!

9.53 - So what do they think of eachother? Claire thinks Lee cracked in the task. Lee thinks Claire could crack windows with her gob.

9.54 - Sir Alan asks Claire why he should hire her. "I want to become a better person. I've got all the pieces of my jigsaw. I'm a tougher person than Lee. I won't crumble [like a jigsaw]. I've got more drive and I want this more"

9.55 - How about Lee? "I want this more than anybody. I've demonstrated by sales ability... my management ability... my ability abilities... I deliver and I want this."

9.56 - Claire - "I've got resilience. I've dug myself out of loads of holes."

9.56 - Lee - "I don't even get into holes."

9.56 - Claire - "But I'm great."

9.56 - Lee - "I'm great."

9.57 - Decision time!

9.57 - Sir Alan wonders if Lee is a one trick sales pony but then adds that he's "very, very convincing", then he ponders if he could put up with someone like Claire working under him every day, but she does have "some great attributes." He scratches his beard. This is it...

9.58 - "LEE - YOU'RE HIRED!"

9.58 - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did he really just say the word "Lee"? Maybe "Lee" means "Claire" in Greek.

9.58 - BREAKING NEWS - IT REALLY IS LEE! He's won!

9.58 - Lee's in a limo instead of a cab! He can't believe it! He can't describe it! He's speechless! That's what he's not tawkin' about!

9.58 - 16 candidates, one job; Sir Alan's search for his apprentice is over.

9.59 - BBC voiceover man's back, he can't believe it either. But wait he's got news - "Good news - The Apprentice will return next year..." - THAT'S WHAT I'M TAWKIN' ABOUT!!

9.59 - Time to eat my hat.

10.00 - So, despite telling lies on his C.v, and being a bit of an idiot, Lee 'The Queen' McQueen is this year's apprentice. Well done, Lee. I guess there's hope for all of us.

Bye!

David

The MSN Apprentice 2008 Awards - Best Bitch? Worst Task? Find out here...

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[Sniff, sniff] What's that smell? [Sniff] No, it's not the damp whiff of Sir Alan's sweaty thighs after a game of power-squash with Richard Branson... IT'S THE FINAL OF THE APPRENTICE: SERIES 4!!

With less than an hour to go before the smelly climax of this year's recruitment contest, you could cut the atmosphere with a pointy finger!

So only Claire, Alex, Helene and Lee remain and we'll soon find out which of them will win the honour of becoming the sidekick to one of Sir Alan's sidekicks, aka "The Apprentice 2008".

In this first ever four-way final, the candidates will split into pairs for one final task - creating a fragrance for the men's perfume market.

And to add some spice to their old spice, some "favourite faces" (aka the previously fired rejects from this series) will be split into the two teams and work as helpers for both sets of co- project managers. Yes, you heard correctly - all four of the candidates will be project managers. Sounds like a recipe for loads of arguments, tears and back-stabbing. Brilliant!!

Come back at 9pm for the live blog.

David - "The Scent of a Man"

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Hello, good day, and welcome. Sir David Frost here again (O.K, I'm David Levin really; just trying to add to the excitement!), still standing in for Apprentice blog queen Selena who has just given birth to baby Alan! (O.k that's another lie, the 'Alan' bit I mean) Congratulations Selena! 

Right, here we go...

9.00 - BBC voiceover man sounds excited. He's just promised  "a bloodbath". That's good, I'm dressed for a bloodbath.

9.00 - Oh don't remind me of last week, it hurts too much. I miss you Michael, my wonderful useless curly-perm elf-boy! You're still my hero...

9.02 - Wow, is it really the penultimate week already? Time flies when you're watching people get sacked...

9.03 - Sir Alan's helper calls the house and tells the remaining five candidates to come for a meeting with the little big man himself. They all cleanse. Claire's towel looks like it might fall from her buxom chest. Hold on, I'm gonna stop typing so I get a good look if it does. Hi, I'm back. It didn't. Lee's shaving. That's what he's shaving about.

9.04 - Apprentice voiceover man tells us that so far Lucinda has the best record of the five candidates. WHAT?! He must be drunk.

9.04 - Mr voiceover also adds that Lucinda had the biggest wage of them all in their previous jobs - over a whopping £100,000! WHAT? Why the heck would you want to give up £100,000 a year?! She must be drunk.

9.07 - Sir Alan is barking at them with his cute wooly face. He's got "four of his toughest business colleagues" to grill them, he warns. "If you're rubbish, they will chew you up and spit you out like me and all my rich mates in a posh restaurant chewing the posh food and spitting it out cos it's not bloody posh enough for us cos we're so posh and unique!" (I'm paraphrasing of course)

Sir Alan also announces that THREE OF THEM WILL BE FIRED THIS WEEK, leaving just two in the final. Sounds like voiceover man was right about the bloodbath...

9.08 - "My arse is on the floor this week," says Lee. Hopefully this new physical problem of his won't effect his performance in the interviews.

9.09 - It's time to meet the grill monsters... Paul Kelmsey, Claud Lipner, Gordon Ketchup (or something that sounds like ketchup) and Karen Brady. They're all mean, they're all rich, and they're all ready. It's like Gladiators, but with clipboards instead of pugil sticks. "Candidates, ready?" Yep. "Business leaders, ready?" Yep. Let's do this...

9.10 - Lee's up first. Oh God, Paul's asking him to do his dinosaur impression. Don't do it. Don't do it, you massive idiot! Oh God, he's doing it. Paul thinks he's an idiot. What a surprise. He also thinks Lee's "too soft" to be Sir Alan's apprentice. Perhaps he shouldn't have shaved so silky smooth.

9.11 - Lucinda's next and it's Claud doing the grilling. "I think you're unemployable," says Claud. "What? I lead teams!" says Lucinda. "Do your colleagues like you?" says Claud. "Well..." Cut to all the others sat outside bitching about her. Claud basically says that Lucinda is rubbish in a team, she'd be rubbish as the apprentice, and she's a pile of bright red rubbish in his office. "Thank you very much!" says Lucinda as she leaves.

9.12 - Jaded from her interview, Lucinda tells the others that she's not sure she even wants the job as the apprentice any more! What are you saying, you little red fool?! Shut up; shut up quick!

Here comes Claire. Oh look, she's walking like a rugby player entering the field. Hopefully she'll tackle the interviewers to the floor and beat them until they promise to be nice...

9.14 - Paul's up first for Claire's grilling. Crikey, Claire was on £85,000 a year at her previous job! What's wrong with these people?! Oh but Paul says she's cheap and should have held out for more because of all the "big deals" she did for her company. Boring - quick, call her some names! Here comes Alex...

9.16 - "So you work in a supermarket," says Paul. Hahaha. Alex is offended. His C.v is very boring, apparently. That's a shock. Cut to the other interviewers giving boring Alex a kicking. "Why did you boast in your C.v that you are fluent in English?" Claud asks. "You're from England!" Then Karen says he's rubbish cos he wasn't running a football club by the age of, like, nine like she was. "Er, whatever," says Alex. Back to Claud who is ripping Alex to pieces. I think he hates him. Or maybe Claud is gay and he actually fancies him and this is all sexual tension? Nah he hates him.

9.20 - Alex looks like he wants to cry. CRY ALEX, CRY!! Next...

9.21 - Here comes Helene. "So you're ballsy?" asks Paul. "Yes, i'm a ballsy northerner," she replies. Paul rubs his hands together. Prepare to have your northern balls grilled, frog-face! "Why have you struggled in The Apprentice?" asks Karen. "Cos i'm not used to being surrounded by 15 gob-sh*tes!" says Helene. Haha, that's you (and me) told! Surprisingly, Helene's ballsy approach seems to be working well. It's working on me too, she's growing on me at the final hour. Oh and now I feel bad for calling her frog-face! I like frogs anyway; I saw a nice one on holiday. Hmm. Sorry meanwhile, Helene goes on to explain that she has had to be ballsy cos she's been working in a male-dominated environment and they gave her a "sh*tty office." Aww.

Here comes Lucinda again, someone tell her to bring some balls!

9.22 - Paul asks Lucinda if she's gonna run off and open a yoga retreat. Lucinda starts waffling about not needing money and not needing a full time job and just wanting to learn stuff from Sir Alan. Cut to Helene whispering to the others about Lucinda saying earlier that she doesn't really want the job. Helene reckons Lucinda's as good as gone! "One down, fwee to go," says a smug Lee. Let's wait and see shall we, you big cockney smooth-faced square-head!

9.25 - More Alex grilling. "Weren't you in the energy business?" asks Paul. "I was, yes," replies Alex. "Well let's have some energy from you (you wet lettuce!) cos at the moment you could barely light a candle, let alone light a room up!"

9.26 - Breaking news - Lee can't spell! "It's not my forte," he replies. "But you can't spell the word 'tomorrow', Lee!" says Claud clutching his grammatically poor C.v in his evil hands. Lee is bright red now and apologises for his spelling, like a scared kid in detention.

9.26 - Uh-oh, and now Lee's being accused of telling porkies about how long he was at uni. "Erm... well... oh yeah, I guess I woz there four months then, not two years," says Lee. Gordon Ketchup proceeds to squish him like a little tomato.

9.30 - Claire seems to be holding her own the best. But maybe that's because she fancies Paul and wants to "lean over the desk and suck his lips off," as she tells the others after the interview. He seems to like her too. If Claire gets fired I'll eat my Amstrad mouse-mat.

9.31 - "Do you actually need this job, Lucinda?" asks Gordon. "Blah, blah blah blah, kind of," says Lucinda. "But do you stand out?" asks Gordon. "From the moment I open my mouth, I... blah, blah blah..." says Lucinda.

9.31 - Hold the phone - Lucinda tells us that she DOES want the job again now! Phew.

9.31 - "What are you actually good at?" says Claud to Alex. "I'm motivational." he replies. "Bye Alex."

9.32 - "For every one of me, you need 10 others..." says Claire. I didn't realise she was that big.

9.32 - The grilling is over. Long live the grilling.

9.33 - The candidates are eating. I think it's food. Lee seems stressed. Oh well.

9.34 - It's boardroom time!

9.35 - It's the interviewers in the boardroom first while the candidates wait outside sweating all over eachother's egos.

9.35 - O.K, what do they think of Alex... Paul thinks he's "a nice lad,", Claud thinks he's "a rubbish lad", Karen thinks he's "a fit lad", and Gordon Ketchup can't decide. And adding to her point about him being fit, Karen says Alex is "INCREDIBLY charming and good looking but is almost a bit embarrassed about it (cut to a clip of Karen gazing into his eyes in the interview room, asking if there's more to him than his fitness). Sir Alan buts in saying: "I don't know why he's embarrassed, I've been like that all my business life!" Cue roaring laughter from everyone in the boardroom. Apart from Sir Alan, who screws up his angry little teddy-bear face in disapproval.

9.36 - Lucinda? Claud thinks she's "bright but she'd be a disaster for you, Sir Alan!", Paul thinks she's "a nutcase... but she'd do a nice job painting your office, Sir Alan!" Karen thinks she's clever and "she'd be quite clever for you, Sir Alan!". The other one says something boring. Sir Alan tries to defend Lucinda by bringing up her good record so far. The monsters don't give a monkeys (apart from Karen who still thinks she's clever)

9.38 - It's Lee's turn. Paul thinks he's a plank cos of his dinosaur impression and because he winked at him on the way out. Karen talks about his attempts to sell her his biro in the interview, which was actually surprisingly good. But here comes Gordon to tell tales about Lee's university lies. They discuss this for ages. Lee's lies... Lee's lies... Lee's lies. Yawn! They eventually decide that lots of people exaggerate on their C.v so it's not that bad. But Sir Alan concludes: "People shouldn't tell lies." Then Sir Alan stands up to reveal he's naked from the waist down apart from a pair of pink pants with Michael Sophocles' face on!! Actually, that's just one of them lies. Anyway...

9.41 - Claire? Karen thinks she's ace. "If you don't give her a job Sir Alan, I will!" Claud won't though, he thinks she's loud and stupid and annoying and loud and loud. Paul thinks she'll be doing the Birdie Song with other members of Sir Alan's staff. Er... what? And Claud adds shockingly that she, erm, "talks a lot." Wow, these guys are sharp. I can see why they're "business leaders." 

9.42 - Helene next. Claud's talking about her tough background. Sir Alan doesn't want to hear about that. Karen thinks she's good and ballsy in manly man's world. Sir Alan looks manly. Paul's not so impressed with Helene. Actually he quite likes her. Hmm, confusion. Quick, move on!

9.44 - Sir Alan thanks them for their feedback and their tough grilling. They shouldn't be thanked, they should be thrown in a cage and prodded with big sticks until they promise to stop ruining the dreams of Sir Alan fans! The "business leaders" leave the boardroom. Paul says something cheeky. Sir Alan tells him to "p*ss off."

9.45 - "Sir Alan's ready for you now," - ah, the magic words. In you go, candidates!

9.46 - Sir Alan challenges Lee about telling lies about university. Lee's defends himself well saying that he's really embarrassed about it and won't tell any more lies. Sir Alan grimaces and shows his big cuddly chin. I think that means he's forgiven.

9.48 - He's onto Claire now, who's dressed all in black. Is it an omen? Or has she just turned into a Goth? Either way, it's mildly exciting. Sir Alan questions her about her big gob, which she opens widely and uses to defend herself. There's a hint love in Sir Alan's eyes (or is it conjunctivitus?).

9.50 - Lucinda now. Lee (aka 'The Manipulator') decides to announce to Sir Alan that Lucinda said she wasn't sure she even wanted the job. The other three follow The Manipulator's lead and proceed to put the boot in - "It's true, Sir Alan. She said that! She did!" It's a cheap and cruel tactic but it seems to be working. Sir Alan looks down at her unfavourably from his high-chair. Lucinda defends herself - "I don't NEED the job Sir Alan; i WANT it." Sir Alan doesn't look pleased. It might be home time for Lucinda...

9.51 - And here comes the first sacking! (You can tell cos the classical music's kicked in and my palms are a bit sweaty. Take cover, here comes the finger!)

9.52 - Sir Alan's says he's not sure about Helene. Helene is sure about Helene. Sir Alan's not sure if Alex is too young. Alex is sure that being young is "good." Sir Alan's not sure that Lucinda has what it takes to be part of a team and he thinks she's too emotional. Lucinda reaches for her tissues.

9.54 - "Lucinda, you're a little too zany for me.... LUCINDA, YOU'RE FIRED!!

Zany Lucinda has left the building.

9.55 - Time for Lee to defend himself. "I DELIVER!" he shouts, as if he was working for Pizza Hut. Sir Alan sighs. Time for Claire to defend herself too. "I AM AMAZING!" Sir Alan sighs again.

9.55 - Sir Alan gives them all a few digs, they're all starting to quiver! Who the heck is going next?!

9.56 - "I'm gonna let you all stay!" announces Sir Alan, to the surprise of all four candidates and all one me! "ALL FOUR OF YOU ARE IN THE FINAL!"

9.57 - The "final four" all hug eachother outside the boardroom and pant sighs of relief and joy into their microphones, making my telly sound like a seedy chat-line. Meanwhile, Lucinda gets into "the taxi."

9.58 - "I have struggled," admits Lucinda. "My accent wasn't right." Yeah, it was probably your accent, Lucinda.

9.59 - Quick preview of next week - "ONE FINAL TASK!" And all the other candidates will be back to help out. It's seems to be something to do with perfume. 'Eau De Final'. Can't wait.

9.59 - So this time next week Sir Alan will have a new apprentice and we'll need a new favourite show. I'm growing damp just thinking about it...

Did Sir Alan make the right decision? Or did Little Red Riding Lucinda deserve to stay?

And who do you think will win?

Post your nipples, I mean comments, below.

See ya!

David

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Smell that? No, it's not fish. It's the SMELL OF FEAR! For tonight, my new Apprentice-based friends, the candidates are in for a grilling that George Foreman himself would be proud of.

Not since 'Slam Dunk Da Funk' changed music and eyebrow piercings forever has there been a "5ive" as important as the candidates that stand before us.

And in about 30 minutes time, the fab five - Alex, Lucinda, Lee, Claire and Helene will undergo a torture that hurts more than a punch in the privates and leaves the culprit feeling like they've just been given a wedgie in the middle of the playground. Yes, it's the interviews! And from what I gather, Sir Alan's torturers are more evil this week than ever before. One of them even has the audacity to call Alex boring!

Make sure you're back here at 9 for the live blog!

Oh and in response to the debate in the comments about my excessive concentration on Michael's nipples last week, I'd just like to echo KittyKat's kind defence that I have no attachment to men's nipples other than my own. I guess I was just excited to be doing my first ever Apprentice blog. This week will be a nipple-free affair.

See you soon for the nipple-grilling!

David (filling in for the mighty blog queen Selena)

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9.00 - And they're off...

9.00 - "No-one's like me... I'm unique!" Yeah we know, Sir Alan, get on with it...

9.00 - Quick reminder of last week, oh poor Raef. I wonder what he's doing now? Probably hunting boar or something...

9.05 - Sir Alan tells them all to be at the Breaker's Yard in 30 mins. Michael moans with his top off that he's really tired and stuff. Ooh look at his tiny nipples...

9.06 - Sir Alan shows the gang a posh fleet of cars that they have to rent out to posh punters. Whichever team brings in the most bacon will win treats! The losers will feel the wrath of his big rich finger.

9.07 - Michael gets his wish! He's team leader for Renaissance  this week. Lee's in charge for Alpha. "That's what I'm tawkin' about!" Oh shut up.

9.08 - It's time for Michael and Lee to pick the cars for their respective teams, like kids picking football teams at primary school. Lee takes a risk on the most expensive car, hoping that some rich idiot will pay over the odds to rent it. Will his tactic pay off?

9.10 - Lee and his team-mates Lucinda and Alex start the brainstorming, while Michael's team-mates Claire and Helene start questioning whether Michael's up to the job. Helene reckons not. Claire reckons not. Michael reckons he's a genius. I predict a riot!

9.12 - Michael's team splits up to start their car-rental efforts. Michael decides to go it alone to prove he's capable of, erm, going it alone. Claire and Helene reckon he's gonna be "sh*t" at it. And they might just be right - he arrives at some posh road that's totally quiet and lacking in people. He leans on his posh Ferrari and ponders if maybe he is just a bit rubbish after all. Sadly, he might be right. But at least he has nice nipples!

9.14 - Lee's team, meanwhile, are at eachother's throats already after Lucinda gets her knickers in a twist about Alex "stealing her flippin idea!" (something about a raffle). Alex doesn't agree. Neither does Lee. They all argue and Lucinda's high-pitch voice makes my ears bleed a bit. I do feel sorry for her though, Lee and Alex are like a double-act nowadays. Kinda like Ant N' Dec but not funny and not small. Come to think of it, Michael's about their height. Maybe if he gets fired tonight he can join them and become a treble-act!

9.15 - Speaking of Sophocles, it's back to Michael again who is still trying his bestest to rent out his nice Ferrari. "Selling is what I was born to do!" Uh-huh, we'll see, Mikey boy...

9.16 - Helene and Claire are off to a good start - several posh city types queue up to check out their hot wheels! Mmm, nice engine, Claire.

9.17 - Claire scalps the first sale of the day! A posh bloke rents her car for a day, even though his wife will "kill him!" Claire doesn't seem to care. As long as money's in the pot, your wife can do what she ruddy well likes!

9.18 - Lee's team aren't doing so well, their v expensive Zonda is scaring people away with its massive price tag. Meanwhile, Alex turns on the charm with posh ladies. "Maybe I could, erm, cut you some kind of deal?" Oh Alex, you silver tongued devil you!

9.20 - Michael's plan of going to a quaint little side street in central London has fallen flat. Nobody's there! So with his tail between his little legs, he calls Claire and announces he's going further into town. Claire sighs a sigh which says, "If we lose this task, you're going down, Sophocles. Down I tell you!" Then she continues to sell, sell, sell, while Helene, erm, stands around watching Claire do lots of selling. They're kind of operating as a team tho, so Helene might get away with nabbing some of Claire's glory (if she's cunning!).

9.21 - Lee tells Lucinda - who is today sporting a firey bright red coat and matching shoes like a posh Little Red Riding Hood - that she will be looking after one of the high-end cars on her own, even though she requested to be with someone cos she's "not awfully good at closing deals." Oh dear - TEARS!!

9.22 - Mid-afternoon and Lee's team still has no sales. Lee practically begs a nice man with a shiny bald head to sit in his Zonda and play with his engine. After promising a 10 percent discount, bald man caves in. SALE FOR LEE!

9.23 - Meanwhile in Sophocles Land, Michael arrives at a fruit and veg market (yes, a fruit and veg market!) in affluent Notting Hill. It's going badly. "These people just can't afford it!" quaffs Michael angrily, sounding more than just a little bit like an idiot, seeing as it was his idea to go there. But hold on, he's found a man in a suit! He's interested! Is he gonna rent it? Is he? "PLEASE, IT'S JUST 67 QUID FOR AN HOUR!" begs Michael. "PLEASE!! YOU HAVE TO!". Erm no. At this point, most humans would shrivel up and stop nagging this poor man. Instead, Michael decides to follow him to his meeting at work. The man makes a dash for it. Oh dear, this isn't looking good for Sophocles. Someone get Ant N' Dec on the phone...

9.28 - Lucinda calls Lee to discuss tactics for distributing her raffle tickets - her plan to coax in punters. Lee gives her a weird, mumbled and very unhelpful response. Lucinda cries again. But in her defence, Sir Alan's aide Nick tells us angrily that Lee and Alex have just "abandoned poor Lucinda" in this task!

9.30 - It's time for the final part of the selling showdown - the cars are put in big marquees in a very posh part of posh posh London and the contestants run around after rich people, gunning for sales. Lee's picking up some momentum, Lucinda "shadows" Lee, Alex pouts a bit and sells a bit more, and Claire steamrolls like a steamroller! Michael, meanwhile, continues to nosedive - his aggressive approach is making everyone flee! Helene still hasn't sold anything. And her hair looks funny when the wind blows.

9.33 - "Inside, I tell myself I'm a great salesman," says Alex, "but so far I just haven't performed to my potential." Maybe you're just rubbish? He's actually doing a lot better than most of the others tho, so he need not worry his pretty little northern head about it.

9.34 - Michael resorts to telling tanned/orange men that they should hire his car because they are "so good looking." And after literally running to get the orange men some free champagne on the condition that they rent one of his cars for, like a few minutes, HE GETS A DEAL!! WELL DONE, MICHAEL, YOU CLEVER LITTLE MAN/BOY!!

9.36 - Only a few minutes left in the challenge. Alex gets a last minute call on his mobile from an earlier customer for a £5000 deal! Cue lots of running! He signs the deal in the nick of time! That will probably clinch it for him and his/Lee's team. Lucinda keeps "shadowing." And that's it, challenge over.

9.39 - IT'S BOARDROOM TIME!! Oh how I love you, sweet boardroom.

9.40 - Enter Sir Alan in a pink tie (looking, in my opinion obviously, a little bit like a teddy bear on his way to a formal picnic)

9.40 - Team Alpha immediately start arguing about Lucinda having to be off on her own. Lucinda says that despite the situation, she was very impressed with her own improvement. Hmm. "Did you do any business?" says Sir Alan. "Erm... I'm not very good at closing!" she says. Sir Alan looks at her like Raef looking at a Pot noodle.

9.41 - Michael explains his decision to go to Portabello Road market, despite it being a rubbish idea. Sir Alan says it was stupid. Michael disagrees. "I would have sold loads if anyone had been there!" he says. Oh poor, foolish little Michael. I smell a firing...

9.42 - So to the scores... Renaissance take £2114, while Alpha take a whopping £11,415! And Alex is top of the sales pile! Lee came in second. What's the treat? Wine tasting at Mayfair Hotel!! "They done well," remarks Alan. "Yes. They did." replies Nick, not so vocal in his role this week.

9.42 - Michael's Renaissance prepare for doom. I grow in excitement.

9.43 - Cut to wine-tasting! "Mmm, wine is nice isn't it?" says Lucinda. Lots of close-ups of spitting into buckets which we didn't need to see.

9.45 - Back to the boardroom, and not a minute too soon. Michael reckons Sir Alan should sack Helene cos she was "totally meaningless in this task." Helene reckons Michael should go cos he's totally meaningless on this planet (she didn't actually say that, I'm just reading between the lines). Michael says he's gonna be "wily" in the boardroom this week. If I knew what wily was, I might get even more excited.

9.46 - In they go. Sir Alan tells Michael that he's worried about him as a salesman, and pretty much as a human being. He questions his choice of locations and says he's a bit dumb. But he goes slightly easy on him because he's "still young." Aww.

9.46 - Sir Alan tells Helene that her posture reminds him of the Mona Lisa. She doesn't like that. "So where would you fit into my organisation?" says Sir Alan. "What have you actually got? Michael's a disaster zone... but he has got some good points about him. Claire has got a mouth the size of Blackwall tunnel, but she's a great salesman. What have YOU got?"

9.48 - Helene defends herself fairly well, but Sir Alan's still not keen. "Who should I fire?" he asks. "I think Michael in this task," says Helene, "He didn't do anything." Claire reckons Helene should go. It's getting hot in there, and I hope to God that none of them take off their clothes. Michael admits that he is naive and has a lot to learn but says he's got some "brilliant points". I wonder if he means his nipples?

9.50- Sir Alan says it's time to lose the no-hopers and it's between two of them - Michael and Helene i assume. OMG! HE'S SENT THEM OUT OF THE BOARDROOM AGAIN! HE WANTS MORE TIME TO "THINK"!

9.52 - The aides have their say. There's good and bad about both, they say. But more bad than good. Maybe he'll fire them both? They're coming back in...

9.52 - Right, straight into it. "Why should you stay?". Michael first. He basically says he's gonna grow, like a plant, but with less morals and more curly hair. Helene next. She says she wants it (the job!) really, really bad and she's got a lot to give. Sir Alan pretty much says "Yeah, but you're rubbish!" Helene's getting angry now. She says she gets a hard time in this show cos she worked for a huge company so she's expected to be better than everyone else. She's turning on Michael! "Who cares about Michael's age?" she says, seemingly clutching at anything now! Sir Alan's lays into her again. It looks like it's Helene for the chop! Ooh, here comes tears! Oh, not tears, just a scowl. How about Claire? Surely she's safe? "I'll be honest with you Claire," says Sir Alan, "I've seen the most of out you... so here's the good news -  you're staying! So it's down to two...

9.54 - "Michael you've been here so many times... I've been fair and let you stay... Helene... I still don't know what you're about, I'm not sure about you at all." HERE WE GO...

9.56 - "This is very, very hard... but this time i have to say MICHAEL - YOU'RE FIRED!!"

Nooooooooo! I love you, Michael!!!!!!!!!

9.56 - How about Helene? Is it the end of the road for her too?! IS IT?! I can't bear this!! Oh, no she's staying.

9.57 - They all kiss and hug outside. AND MICHAEL'S GONE! Ooh and look how small he looks in that coat.

9.58 - "I think I reminded Sir Alan of himself when he was younger," says Michael in the cab home. Aww, get yourself a nice Happy Meal.

9.58 - Cut to the house, Lee says he couldn't give a monkeys who gets fired. Claire and Helene walk into the house. Lee hugs them. They all hug. They all congratulate eachother on getting to the final stretch. Lee tells the others that they're all gonna get fired. I tell myself that if Lee becomes Sir Alan's Apprentice, I'm going on hunger strike. Actually, scrap that, I fancy a sandwich. "That's what I'm tawkin' about!"

9.58 - Sneak peak of next week - it's the hardcore interviews with Sir Alan's really horrible interview people! Yay!

9.59 - And that's it, it's over. BYE BYE, MICHAEL SOPHOCHLES!

9.59 - I hum 'Hold me close tiny dancer' to myself in tribute to Michael...

Is anyone else a little bit sad that Michael has gone? He was my favourite! Leave your comments...

David

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Hello Apprentice lovers!

I'm David, I normally write MSN's weekly celebrity column, but tonight I'm filling in for the lovely Selena as guest blogger for The Apprentice. I've never done this before, so be gentle with me (hopefully I won't get fired!)

So, to tonight's show...

We hear on the grapevine that the victim of tonight's sacking is such a bad loser that they are refusing to do the usual string of press interviews over the coming days. What a loser! It must be an extra painful sacking; I can't wait.

And like Selena said, tonight's show is all about cars. Big, posh ones that they've got to palm off for as much moolah as possible. So fill up your petrol tanks and be back here on the starting line at 9pm for the live blog.

See you then!

David

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The cars are super-impressive and all the candidates are in seventh heaven, with their sales experience it should be a walk in the park. To make things fair, Sir Alan insists that every call the candidates make must be on camera (so they can't cheat and book friends to hire them all). The question is, does everyone stick to this rule?

Mmmm... I'm not too sure!
Watch out for an accusation or two and some controversial decisions from Margaret, Nick and Sir Alan.

Keep your eyes peeled on Tuesday...
See you then for the LIVE blog!

Selena x

Selena Ledgerton Cooper
MSN Reality TV Blogger

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